EMMETT MCCARTNY CULLEN! DEAR GOD!
by MALICIOUSteddy
Summary: What happens at the Cullen house while Bella isn't there? What does Emmett do? And how did Edward become such a good actor?What happens when Alice gets blown away by the wind, and Jasper falls into a well, trying to catch her?a bit of a crackfic.READ NOW
1. Chapter 1

**these are just random things that come to my head every so often, i'll try and make at least one for each couple.  
**

**ME: I own twilight**

**THE SNIPER: -cocks gun, points at me-**

**ME: what?**

**THE SNIPER: I will shoot if you don't say it!-RUSSIAN ACCENT(just for the hell of it)-  
**

**ME: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I don't own twilight, there!**

**THE SNIPER: now go**

**ME: go what?**

**THE SNIPER: write the damned story!.... OR I WILL SHOOT**

**ME: OH! OKAY, OKAY!  
**

Chapter 1:

_**"I may have broken a table or two**_

_**But mommy, honestly**_

_**I love you**_

_**ESME!**_

_**Please forgive me**_

_**Say that you love me!**_

_**PLATT!**_

_**Oh mommy, mommy!**_

_**Don't hurt me!"**_

I sang to Esme in a girly voice, for the tenth time in the past five minutes

She turned to shoot me a glare.

"If you ever, EVER sing that crap for me again, I swear, Emmett! You will not see the light of day!!!!" she yelled.

"But vampires don't need sleep, and we don't need light to see, right?" I spoke in an annoying tone, just to piss her off.

She shrieked, and threw a table at me.

I dodged it neatly.

I just love pissing Esme off! Especially when she accidentally throws her antiques at me!

Sadly, Carlisle walked in at that moment, and killed all the fun with his too-clean doctor hands.

He sighed at the sight of a furious Esme, and turned to glare at me.

Him: Emmett

Me: Yes?

Him: will you leave us two alone, please?

Me: OKEY DOKEY CARLYASSLEEE AND ESMAAAAY!

Him: -growl-

**remember to READ AND REVIEW!!! look at the pweeety button! why don't you give it a click! **;P


	2. Chapter 2

**EmPOV**

"_It was a cloudy day in Forks, like any other day. But it was also very very windy. Too windy, in fact, for little Alice to wander off on her own, at such a perilous time"._ Bella's expression was very interested

Today was "make Bella laugh 'till she's blue"day, and it was my turn, since it was _my_ idea.

So I decided to tell her a true story about Alice, Jasper and I, on a windy day.

Bella nodded for me to go on, so I did.

I read:

Unfortunately, little Alice stepped outside for a small 'promenade'.

The wind immediately picked her up, and she began to fly away. Jasper ran outside, as soon as he heard her scream.

He tried to grab hold of her foot, but the great Emmett accidentally pushed him down, and he cussed so goddamn much, poor Emmett began to cry.

By now, little Alice was merely a small black speck in the wind, even to vampire eyes.

As soon as Emmett pointed this out, Jasper ran at top speed to her direction.

Unfortunately, he did not see the well in front of him. He fell inside, and was stuck there forever, and ever.

Never again were Jasper or Alice seen. And I mean NEVER!!!!

I, the narrator could have helped them, but I finally found my box of expired corn pops, and I must take care of this problem, right now.

So screw Alice and Jasper.

I slammed the book, just as Alice walked in. Bella was giggling, but I hadn't made her laugh. DAMMMIT! GRRRRR!

HOW DARE HER NOT DIE OF LAUGHTER AT THE ULTIMATE EMMETT!?

Then I got an Idea….

I'm going to make her hyper

But that's for next time, so be patient, little readers…….

For the next episode of… EMMETT MCCARTNY CULLEN! DEAR GOD! Show.

**Yes, it's a show now. Confused? So am I. I hope you had fun reading this extra-short nonsense.**

**BARK!**

**Animal noises are taking over my mind!!!! **

**No, not really.**

**I have to stop confusing myself.**


	3. not a chapter but read it anyway!

**Hey readers! Sorry, this is an author's note. I forgot to put it in the last chapter, cuz I was too hyper to think coherently yesterday. (oooh, Ted's using big words).**

**But I just wanna tell you that the Emmett song (which is the theme song to the emmett's show) is up on youtube! The link is on my profile, on the LINKS section (obviously) BEWARE: my singing is AWFUL, so don't criticize me too much, I admitted it.**

**And finally, my last statement; YAY FOR PEDANTICS! Look it up on the dictionary if you don't know what it means. I just found out two days ago.**


	4. Chapter 4

**This is what comes out of reading too much Harry Potter...**

**WARNING: SOMEWHAT SPOILER OF DEATHLY HALLOWS**

"NO HARRYYYYY!" Emmett sobbed over a book named Harry potter and the deathly hallows.

You see, Quite a dramatic part had happened in it.

But what was even more dramatic was Rosalie's reaction to the fact that Emmett was reading.

She stared wide-eyed "oh my god…J.K Rowling CAN make Emmett read!" Her and Jasper had taken a $10,000 bet about it, and now she had lost. DAMN THIS HARRY POTTER! Not that $10,000 was not too much to her, she just _thought_ she knew her husband well enough.

Emmett looked up, tears in his eyes. "he-he Rosie, Harry—"

"I don't give a crap if he jumped off the Eldin bridge and DIED!!!" yelled Rosalie.

"Eldin Bridge is from Zelda…" Emmett responded calmly.

"oh…well jeez sorry"

"What's all this quarrel about?" asked a very british-sounding Carlisle.

"hey, Carlisle you're british right!?" Emmett exclaimed.

"uh, ya I guess…"

"STAND UP AND SAY IT LIKE A MAN!" Emmett commanded.

"er, bloody hell I'm british"Carlisle responded, sounding scared.

"have you been to hogwarts?" Emmett was calm again.

"Hogwarts is a lie" Carlisle responded dramatically, leaving the room.

Emmett was crying again.

"I thought vampires couldn't cry…?" Rosalie questioned, out of all things she could say.

" that's it! I'm a wizard! I know it! CARLISLE ESME JASPER EDWARD ALICE BELLA come quick!" Emmett was beaming.

They were all in the living room two seconds later.

"I'm a wizard guys!" he said, looking like he belonged in a nuthouse.

Hell, maybe he did.

Rosalie slapped her forehead, as Jasper laughed.

**Random.**

**there may be a part 2 but I dunno.**

**how 'bout pressing dat niiice button down there! loooook!**


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